Families Fighting Fairly

     Conflict in the home can be a disruption in the harmony of a family. Most families would love to create a space of safety, support and unconditional love in their home. This peaceful harmony is too often demolished by the reality of disagreements and rivalry that often occurs when people are living life together. This happens among both parents and kids.

     There was a time my husband and I had three boys in the home all under the age of 5. This made for some really funny moments, sweet memories and rambunctious disagreements (usually over who had the green car last and who gets it next, for how long and to do what with…). Playing referee to arguments took up so much of our time, attention, energy and quite honestly sucked the life out of our enjoyment of time together as a family. Where was the unity and support we wanted for our boys?

     Not only is it detrimental in our home but it ravishes the schools and workforce too. Learning to disagree respectfully, providing constructive feedback versus criticism and sharing thoughts/Ideas are all soft skills that need to be learned and practiced. In a world where people can anonymously comment on social media and other internet platforms using disrespectful remarks and rude comments, it is more important a skill than ever!

     I give to you “Fair Fighting Rules”! Fair fighting rules are often use in marriage therapy to outline expectations for inevitable conflict among spouses.

These rules usually include, but are not limited to:

1. No degradation language

2. Take turns talking

3. No yelling

4. Assume positive intentions

5. No use of the word “divorce”

     I say, why limit it to just spouses? Create your own family list of Fair Fighting Rules. Come up with the rules together and come up with a creative way to display them in the home. Frame them and use them often. If you have young children you can create a visual display of the rules, including pictures.

A FEW THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND...

• Accept input! If each person has a say in what the rules will be, each person will be more likely to follow them. So yes, include the kids. Ask them what feels good and bad when having disagreements.

• Follow through is key! If there is no follow through, the plan will just fall by the wayside.

• Keep is simple! Too many rules can be confusing and an outright bother to remember. Many lists are limited to 10, but feel free to make it less for you family.

     We are our greatest tool in teaching our children. The more focused and diligently we can teach and reinforce the lessons, the greater potential for success. As my husband would say, “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”

Why I will not tell you to try something NEW.

I am not an artist, though I have tried to paint a few times.

Painting seems so simple and unrestricted to me. I would think it relaxing, with the mixing of colors and the lack of prescribed perfection. For whatever reason, I struggle to get the image in my head, to be mirrored onto canvas. I gave up trying so long ago.

Recently there have been a rise in paint night events. People pay to join a group of others essentially taking a paint class together. They have become very popular. I joined a few friends for one of these events one night, just to get out together. The paint night was relaxing,a glass of wine will do that for you, and the company of three other girlfriends helped to take the pressure off a perceived “final product”.

Guess what!? My painting was awesome! it was so beautiful. We were given step by step instructions with far less technical jargon than any other class I have taken. All in all;  just a good time. This is what I always thought art should be. You should have seen the creativity in the room. We all painted the same scene with the same instructions but the final products were so different.

It got me thinking.

I must applaud more recent generations. Though I read so much negativity about how things are so “out of control” and “these kids today just don’t understand…:” One must admit they are good at getting out of their comfort zone and thinking outside the box. We have successful entrepreneurs who have never gone to college, new inventions being pitched on a TV show watched by many, people jumping out of perfectly good airplanes and sometimes it seems everyone is dancing to the beat of their own drum.

We have a very innovative culture. One filled with people not afraid to shake things up and try new things, even try old things in a new way.

That being said, one skill seems to be missing in this generation.

Persistence, or as I like to say GRIT. Persistence is defined in the dictionary as, continuing in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.

This simply means, one keeps going even when they have hit a wall.

After college, I worked with struggling families and at risk youth. . I have heard  a lot of

“I’ve tried (fill in the blank here) before, it just doesn't work for me” from many people.

Many times success comes from continuous practice. That “pushing forward” despite the wall. The getting back up and dusting yourself off to finish the race even though you are in last place and you cannot run anymore so you walk to the finish line.

If you are not convinced yet, think about these things.

You are different now from the than the last time you tried something.

• Think about how much we change and all the ways we are different at 25 than from 15…..you will be different still at 35 and 45 and so on. You brain continues to develop and change and you find you can do things that you could not before. You were not born with the ability to walk, run, read, talk, add, subtract and drive.

Have you ever thought about how different a first born child’s parents are from the third child’s parents…..Same two people, very different at the same time.

1. The first child may be born to two young people in their early 20’s. Maybe they were newlyweds and just learning how to live with someone other than parents and siblings. They might never have held a child before. The parents may be new in their jobs or studying in college. They may have little to no savings account.

2. Now think about a couple with their third child. This family may be more established in their career, with some money put away in savings. They have held their own two children, many of their friends’ kids as well as nieces and nephews. They know so much about each other, how to push and support one another.

   Each set of parents are different in their ideas, confidence and values. Ergo the first set of parents may handle many things differently from the second set based on those life experiences.

Try something you have done before. Revisit it.

Trying something new requires one moment of bravery. Doing something again and again despite perceived failure, takes persistence and resilience. Which of these traits would you rather have mastered?

The Benefit of Boundaries

Parenting is hard.

Setting boundaries is hard.

Upholding boundaries and expectations can be hard.

It may be hard but it is so worth it! What are the benefits to creating boundaries for your children at any age? There are 5 listed here below.

Setting boundaries...

1. Creates security. The security of boundaries and expectations reduces anxiety in children and teens. If you have a kid who struggles with anxiety, creating clear boundaries can be very helpful in alleviating the anxiety of the unknown. Kids learn that the parents take care of things and it is not up to them. It can really take the pressure off.

2. Provides capacity for success. We are more successful when we know what is to be expected. How many times have you had a dream where you had to take a test but did not know what to study? It  seems unfair to be given a test and not be told what is on it. I bet we would be on the phone in seconds if our child’s teacher did this. It is simply not fair. Setting clear expectations and boundaries makes the content of the test of life clear and known. This makes success possible.

3. Fights entitlement. Kids need to practice self soothing when things do not go their way and they do not get what they want. When our kids are babies we are told to let them cry a little so they learn to self sooth. The same goes when they get older. Learning how to deal with disappointment and know it is not the end of the world, is a strength in adulthood. However it does not magically appear. It takes experience and practice.

4. Teaches resilience. Our children need to know things will be okay. It is difficult, but true that we learn in struggle. “Grow through what you go through”, “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger”....the quotes are many. Getting back up every time we fall is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced. Perseverance is the key to much of life's great accomplishments!

5. Teaches them to set and hold boundaries. Setting clear boundaries is good modeling for kids. They will need to be able to do so in their future. It can help them hold up against toxic people and relationships. No one wants their kids to grow up in toxic relationships. No one wants their kids to become doormats who allow others to walk all over them or abuse them. Show them how to uphold fair boundaries. Show them how to be assertive and an advocate for themselves.

The fact is, brains are not fully developed until mid twenties or so. It unfair to expect kids to know what is expected, take care of everything, make all the right choices, do all of their homework, complete all chores, maintain a household, always be appropriate let alone know what is appropriate, and make all final decisions. It is simple science. That is why they are under the care of a guardian until adulthood. It is our job as parents to be responsible for all of this until they can do it on their own.

Two HUGE reminders as you set and maintain boundaries.

First, remember that your child’s behavior is not a reflection of your parenting. Your parenting is a reflection of your parenting.

Secondly, set your boundaries with caution! They must be upheld. It is counter productive to set boundaries and not uphold them. Rebuilding after you have given up becomes that much harder.

I can help you if you are interested in rethinking your go-to parenting strategies with support. If you are interested in allowing me to work with you, feel free to email me at fountain.coach@gmail .com or book a FREE 30 minute Consultation Session at www.fountainofyoucoaching.com under the Book Now tab!