Is Your Self-care Actually Hurting You?

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Is Your Self-care Actually Hurting You?

The practice of self-care has picked up a lot of attention and momentum over the last few years, especially with moms living crazy hectic lives. However, just with any other practices, it has taken off and has morphed into some practices or misunderstandings that can be self-defeating.

Let’s first talk about what self-care is not. These are ideas we mistakenly believe to be self-care practices yet can contribute to increased unhealthy behavior cycles.

Self-care is not:

...always going to feel good. The idea that self-care will always feel good or be immediately gratifying is a myth. Good self-care does not always feel good. (You will come to understand this better when we get into what self-care is, so hang in there with me.) be confused with coping or self-soothing. Coping skills are used in short term in order to get to a place to “deal” with struggles or triggers.

...avoidance. Many times avoidance can be counter productive to actual health. It can be very healthy to allow yourself to feel and sit with discomfort. Encourage yourself to acknowledge the discomfort and appreciate it and/or what it has allowed to you learn.

...overindulgence. This is a biggie. Many people unknowingly use “self-care” as an excuse to regularly practice overindulgence. Someone may begin to emotionally rely on food or substances on a regular basis after using small moments of gratification as a regular self-care practice.

You may be thinking, “Wow! There goes all of my self-care ideas!” Hold on a minute, you may be surprised at what is actually considered healthy self-care practices.

Let’s first define self-care. It is regularly practicing self management or as I like to say, caring for yourself on the daily. When you are identifying healthy self-care practices, keep in mind what you are attributing to your body, mind and spirit.

Body- This includes physical care, sexual health as well as safety and security. These might include:

  • Regular exercise

  • Healthy eating

  • Good hygiene

  • Regular health care appointments and practices

Mind- This includes intellectual practice like:

  • Reading

  • Learning new things

  • Museums

  • Taking up a hobby

Spirit- This is you emotional and social health. While it may or may not include religious practices it can be:

  • Prayer

  • Meditation

  • Practicing humor

  • Social events

  • Nurturing relationships

  • Support

  • Expressing your feelings

The next time you using self-care, remind yourself it is separate from treating yourself. (Not that treating yourself is not healthy and helpful). Think about your go-to practices and where they fit in the ideas of caring for your body, mind and spirit on the daily. Make a list of some new self-care practices.

Here are my top three that will feed all three Body, Mind and Spirit.

  1. Participate in regular coaching, therapy or support groups.

  2. Practice healthy boundaries. Learn to say no and build your confidence.

  3. Learn a new hobby or dig deeper into one you already started.

Want to Increase Your Confidence?



We all want know we want to experience it, but what is it? How do you get it?

Confidence is knowing that you can rely on and appreciate your own abilities.

When you feel confident you are more…

  • Decisive

  • Powerful

  • Assertive

  • Steady

  • Poised

  • Bold

  • Daring

  • Composed

  • Determined

Who doesn’t want to feel a bit of all of that?

What can Confidence do for you?

It might be as simple and wonderful as..

  • Knowing that the boundary that you set with your child is appropriate and necessary.

  • Separating the behavior of people around you from who you are.

  • Knowing yourself better than others think they know you.

  • Going for something that you want regardless of the obstacles.

  • Making new friends and deepening current friendships.

  • Building on your social support.

  • Trying something new even if it scares you and excites you at the same time.

  • Losing the weight you've always wanted to.

    **You deserve this and more!

Feeling more confidence might get you a promotion, that job you always dreamed of or even get you to believe you can start that business you always wanted.

It may make you feel more sexy and increase your intimacy with your spouse.

It would free up so much time for you that you have been allowing to fill up with constantly saying “yes” to every party invite, volunteer task, and carpools because you feel like you must prove your worth constantly to everyone!

You would doubt yourself far less and your boundaries would be strong and clear for your kids to understand, your friends and family…yes even your spouse!

Your validation comes from within and you start to believe that when you feel more confident!

Sounds good right?

Have you ever felt that confidence before? Think of your earliest memory or story you hear about you feeling confident.

My mom loves to tell the story of me as a confident young child.....

When she was a single mother with a female roommate. My mom was pretty strict about me leaving toys out and all over the house, as she shared the space with a single woman with no children and wanted to respect the space.

I had a room, and this was the place for my toys when I was not playing with them. There were two exceptions to this expectation and that was my birthday and Christmas.

On my fourth birthday....

She says tells me I had my toys out in the living room. Some of the toys I was playing with, some I was not playing with.

Our roommate had a boyfriend over that day, clearly, he was familiar with the “rule” my mother had as he told me to take my toys back to my room. Only he did not simply say it to me or ask me....he commanded it with an attitude.

Being the well-behaved child I was, I  dutifully returned my toys to my room. I am sure I had quite a look on my face.

(Those of you who know me, know I have no poker face. My face says what is in my head.)

When I returned from my room, I carried a pillow with me back to the living room to rejoin the adults. It was then that I put my pillow down on the floor, looked the boyfriend straight in the eye and said in my most adult-like, sassy and attitude voice,

“That’s my pillow and don’t you touch it!”

My mother tells me this is when she knew I was a force to be reckoned with. I was not going to let anyone walk all over me.
Although I may not be able to remember this story for myself. The story has become one of my innate strength and ability to stand up for myself rather than fall victim to people pleasing. It has become a cornerstone story in my head to boost my confidence as needed int his area of my life.

So spill! How do you build confidence?


Recognize that lasting confidence is built over time. It is the progression of assembling many times throughout life. Confidence is created by practicing little boosts over time and keeping mindful of these boosts.

What kind of boosts, you ask?

That depends entirely on you.

What makes you feel confident?

Is it...

  • makeup

  • validation from others

  • a power suit

  • caffeine

  • education

  • small success

If you really want to feel more confident?

Here is a secret for you.....shhhhh

Good self care.

(Actually, it really is no secret.)

Good self-care makes you feel good and takes care of your basic needs. When your basic needs are met and you feel good.... You feel confident!

"How do you practice good self-care?"

I'm so glad you asked!

One of the easiest ways is to get a good night sleep. You could also take a small nap as needed. A nap doesn't need to be 2 hours at noon. A nap can be 20 minutes with your eyes closed or you don't even actually fall asleep.

This gives your brain time to rest in your body time to rest and you'd be surprised at how much more energized you feel when you open your eyes again.

Go ahead, set that alarm for 20 minutes, close your eyes and build your confidence through self-care.


Know yourself. Are you a Night Owl or an Early Bird?

I am an outgoing introvert. (I sounds weird, but it is a real thing)

I am awake and ready to roll (chores, tasks...) first thing in the morning, but I am not ready to get dressed and leave the house and "people" yet.


If I have to get dressed and leave the house in a decent manner, and "people" I prefer about 10:30.

I can rock it all day long...well until about 6:30. After that, I need to unwind and "unpeople". 6:30 is wine and bonfire time. It is not that I cannot feel confident and have great conversation but I need the downtime with my very limited close family, or alone. (remember when we discussed self-care as a way to build confidence...)

"How in the world does this relate to confidence Elena?"

I need the confidence to "people".

There are times in the day I feel that kind of confidence and times I do not have that kind of confidence. Part of befriending your confidence and tapping into it is learning your natural self, respecting and practicing your self-care.

Get to know your self and what makes you feel cared for and powerful!


Resiliency is a muscle you should be working out!

Your new theme song is "I get knocked down, but I get up again” (go a head...try not to sing it all day )

Do you know the best way to build up your confidence?


Resiliency is "the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties"

We all have times when our confidence is shot. Building it back up takes practice. There are many ways to do this. One is to strengthen your have been knocked down a number of times in your life.

.....If you haven't you likely would not have your confidence shot..right?

Try this.

When my confidence is low...I journal about times I have felt the end of my rope..rock bottom.

Write down..

How did it happen?.

How did you feel.

Get detailed here

Then, journal about your triumph story. How you overcame it!!

(I must have...I am here today. And so are you!!)

Que Rocky theme music (Your welcome.)

Do this every time your confidence takes a blow. You will see how much you really have to be confident about!


Watch for those roadblocks!

I have had a terrible day? Have you? Mine was because of comparison!

I woke up in plenty of time to get ready. I got some chores and had some coffee. I got dressed did my makeup and I felt on top of the world!

You know the feeling, when your outfit and makeup is on point and you feel like you're going to go out and crush the world!

There was even amazing music on the radio on my way to work. So I was bumping along singing out loud! When I got to work I noticed a co-worker wearing the cutest outfit. My first thought was…

"oh man I want that outfit!"

My next thought was…

"that would never fit me, it wouldn't even look right on me."

See what happens there?

Comparison kills Confidence!

When you constantly compare yourself to others, physically, ability, talents, gifts and yes even your parenting it kills your confidence.

Don't do it!!

You have strengths you are not using to the full potential when you do it!

Here is your challenge.

List 10 positive things about yourself and why.

Confidence, knowing that you can rely on and appreciate your own abilities.

Recognize it

Practice it

Show it

But most of all….KNOW IT!